Mama's Bridge Plan

I'm not sure if you have personally ever known anyone with gephyrophobia, but fear of bridges is TOTALLY a real thing, people. We could analyze it all day long and boil it down to some issues with trust and pride and a desperate need for control, I'm sure, but that just won't change the fact that water bridges make me nuts.

The longer the bridge, the deeper the fear. This one nearly causes me to breathe into a paper bag.

Is it any wonder? Take a look at this. Read here. And this. And here's another.

You believe me now??? Bridge failure is totally within the realm of possibilities.

Sorry, here's a paper bag. 

What's odd, though, is that bridges never bothered me one tiny bit until I became a mama. Now, every time we approach a water bridge, I fight the urge to make all the children wear snorkels and masks. Instead, I just give the Captain the crazy bridge lady look, and we commence to hashing out the Plan. Just.In.Case.

bridge plan.jpg

Other than rolling down the windows as soon as we hit water and assigning which children we each are responsible for rescuing, the most significant part of the BP is that The Captain has been instructed to do 2 things: 1) Save the kids. His assigned ones first, and if I'm knocked out or being eaten by sharks, then my assigned ones. His priority is the kids. 2) He is to punch me square in the face if I panic and interfere with all his saving of the babies. He's a gentle soul incapable of any type of violence, but I made him pinky promise. If I lose my marbles and go all psycho crazy unintentionally drowning folks, I want a fist in the face and that is a fact. 

I have completely walked through my Bridge Plan in every single combination of events imaginable. Snakes in the water, unconsciousness in any combination of family members, not getting the windows down in time, jammed seatbelts, inversion, flames from a fiery tanker truck (which may have been what pushed us off in the water), dangerous debris...you name it.

Being by myself with my kids, though...that is a scenario I cannot begin to resolve. I cannot even go there. That's enough to cause bridge avoidance entirely.

I swear, if they could turn my van's seat cushions into flotation devices it would be this mama's dream come true. For now, I'd totally settle for one of those center punch tools and a seatbelt blade. Stocking stuffer alert! ;)

Come to think if it, I think I'd rather just have some sort of Mom Batmobile complete with water sensors that auto-convert our vehicular innards to a hydrovan when necessary. Think the next Odyssey Touring model will have that feature?

That could make going through the car wash awkward, though.

So what about you? What is it that gets your blood to pumping? Let's commiserate for a moment in all our irrational fears. And also, if you have a Bridge Plan I would love to compare notes.